Finding Your Perfect Dead-End Job

Robot man

This is what you will look like upon retirement.

Everyone needs a job. Mind numbing and spirit crushing labour is clearly the way ahead in life. Sure you could make a living freelancing. You could pursue your dreams and end up writing novels from halfway up a mountain somewhere, or working as a diving instructor on an island paradise. Sure, you could do those things, but really, why bother?

Self-employment is a bitch. Yes, if you really want to earn millions you have to give it a go, but anyone telling you it’s going to be easy is talking out of their backside. A nice dead-end job will see you working 9 till 5, or similar hours.

Self-employment? Try 9 till 9… at weekends. Longer hours apply during the week. You eat, sleep and breathe work until you are defined by your own pointless ordeal. Doesn’t that sound ideal?

Instead of putting all that hard work into finding your perfect job, here are some suggestions to help you find your perfect dead-end job. Jobs which have all the stresses and none of the rewards of self-employment. Jobs that are often easier to get, and can lead to a life of fruitless drudgery:

Manual labour

Chances of promotion: One day, when everyone who has been around longer than you has given up completely, you will be promoted to middle management.

Benefits: You get to work outside… in the cold and the rain, or in the blistering heat. You’re going to be doing the same repetitive things you did last year. Everyone else is paid more than you are.

Social Status: You will get used to being called “Oi, you”. In larger companies, you may be referred to by your title too, thus becoming “Oi, you, gardener…” This will usually be followed by a sentence starting “can you just…” which will involve doing something that it is by no means your job to actually do.

Admin/Office work

Chances of promotion: One day you can be middle management too

Benefits: Long hours; ill-defined jobs; Being stuck in a claustrophobic office all day with a tiny window while the sun beams down outside; Paper cuts and entire days of your life dedicated to shredding, stapling and photocopying.

Social Status: Manual labourers will hate you for having an “easy job where you just sit on your arse all day”. Line managers will hate you because once they are forced into retirement or bullied into quitting you will take their job.

Sales and Marketing

Chances of promotion: One day, when you are too old, ugly, demoralised or morally corrupt to put on your sales face you will be moved into middle management for a newer, prettier generation of sales droids to take your place.

Benefits: You have to spend every… single… god-damned day selling shit that people don’t want to people who didn’t ask for it. They will despise you for it. You will identify your car exhaust as potentially being your new best friend.

Social Status: Everyone hates you.


Chances of promotion: Slim, until you start falling behind on your knowledge of new IT tech, then you will be promoted to middle management where your former peers will mock you for being out of touch with modern IT.

Benefits: Nobody bothers with you unless there is something wrong (including on your birthday). Nobody ever congratulates you for things running smoothly either. However, the moment the shit hits the fan it’s all your fault and you will be up all night fixing things (including on your birthday).

If you work in IT technical support you will lose all faith in humanity. You will also have to fix chairs, tables, telephones, and pencil sharpeners… because they’re all similar to computers, right?

Social Status: Everybody wants to be your friend… on Facebook. They also hang around you a lot when they are thinking of buying a new laptop. Chances are you are reading this whilst all your Facebook “friends” are at a pub without you. If you are reading this in a pub with your friends chances are you are setting up their new laptop for them.


Chances of promotion: None, until someone smarter than you comes along, then you are either made redundant or pushed into middle management.

Benefits: Long hours, major stresses, having to get experiments correct first time as you only have one shot with that expensive equipment… and when you do get positive results your employers own the rights to it.

Social Status: Unless you are doing medical research chances are people will often belittle the point of your existence.

Middle Management

Chances of promotion: None. Someone younger, smarter and better looking will be promoted to that senior management position you crave.

Benefits: Congratulations you have now reached the peak of a dead-end career. You no longer need to remember anything about what you used to do. Instead, you can start making unreasonable demands of your minions.

Social Status: You are shat on from above and despised from below. Your underlings spend more time making fun of you behind your back than they do working.

Which choice is best?

It really doesn’t matter. You’re probably not going to enjoy it anyway. Once you have picked your chosen route to retirement through 40 years of repetitive graft you can start applying for jobs. Really, finding the perfect dead-end job is that simple. You choose whichever option from above which sounds least dreary and you go for it.

If you can then go for middle management straight away; it’ll save you a lot of hassle in the long run and let’s face it, just as once all roads led to Rome, in modern times all paths meander to middle management.

Image courtesy of law_keven