How to Plan the Ultimate Suicide

Now I don’t necessarily condone suicide, but the world is overpopulated. So yeah, kill yourself. Just don’t fuck it up and make sure you give us all a laugh while you do it. If it’s a boring suicide – drug overdose, razorblades to the wrists, you’re in the wrong place. This site is for happy people; happy people kill themselves in hilarious ways.

I want to go base-jumping naked… whilst fighting a bear. That’s an epic way to die. I want to follow it up with a funeral where I am set out to sea on a Viking longboat, which is then burnt. I envisage some sort of bow-and-fire-arrow lighting method for setting fire to the boat. I assume that nobody wants to be setting fire to a boat in the middle of the sea.

Now, none of you should need advice on how to kill yourself. You’re all clearly very happy people, and we’re aiming for mediocrity in life here at Self Help for Happy People not for complete and abject failure. Given our tendency to be absolutely awesome at everything we do though, we might overshoot slightly.

Growing used to and accepting mediocrity might cause some levels of depression in those who are so familiar with success and happiness. We have been told, after all, that we can achieve anything we want to in this world if only we work at it. Eyebrows start to raise when we decide that what we want to achieve is a life where we can get on with our own thing without worrying about whether or not we are successful. This can be discouraging.

It appears that we are expected to have some life plan; to meet the person of our dreams, settle down, buy a white picket fence in the city, have children, retire, die.

Fire Ant - OMG it's on fire

Fire-ant: It's like a fire-bear only smaller and less on fire.

Now, I’m not big on plans. Plans are something done at either end of the spectrum. Right in the middle, where we want to be, you can just let life drift you along nicely, doing things on a whim.

I decided if people were going to ask me what my plans were I’d tell them. I plan to die at the bottom of a cliff having base-jumped off it while fighting a bear. If the bear could be on fire that would be even better. Base-jumping, naked, during a fight with a fire-bear is the sort of way to die that makes me smile every time I think about it.

It’s easy to do something so spectacularly stupid accidentally that you end up with a Darwin Award, for example by RAMMING ELEVATOR DOORS WITH A SCOOTER! That’s not really the point though. We don’t want to look stupid. We are not stupid people. What we need is a funny finale which was clearly pre-planned. Our distinct, signature exit route.

On to the planning:

Why?

Because, as a clearly magnificent specimen of mankind you have achieved everything you desired to achieve in life. You have reached all your life goals, your friends and family are all in secure positions in life and no longer require your existence, your knees are beginning to give way and you have hair growing out of body parts from which hair should not grow out of. From hereon in you’d only disappoint yourself, your magnum opus has been completed and you have nothing left to achieve. You’re left at a crossroads, keep doing what you are doing as your body decomposes around you, or say fuck it, I quit.

When?

Well, aside from the stage in your life, try to choose a neutral day to die on. Don’t fuck up Christmas or New Years, or other such event for all the loved ones you leave behind. If you’re going to go at least do it on a day when people will be miserable anyway. People will always remember you on your birthday, so perhaps that would be a good day to go. If you’re feeling particularly fucking vindictive then go kill yourself on someone else’s birthday. Unfortunately, you’ll never really find out if your plan to mess with their head was successful as, quite obviously, you’ll be dead.

Where?

Somewhere else. Never at home, especially if you have a messy plan that involves swallowing explosives. Some poor bastard has to clear that shit up.

If I’m at the bottom of a cliff in the wilderness and nobody finds me then something will eat me. If they find me I hope they remember the whole Viking longboat thing. If I really wanted to plan ahead I could find a cliff overlooking the sea and park a Viking longboat beneath it. That’d be impressive, I can imagine the headline: Base-Jumping, Naked Man Wrestles Fire-Bear Off Cliff: Lands in Viking Long Boat. The genius of this plan is that the flaming bear will set fire to my boat.

How?

Well, obviously without fire-bears. I have dibs on death by fire-bear. I’m sure you could try seahorses or something. Death by seahorse would be an achievement. Rather than jumping off things, you could try jumping onto something; dress as a clown, get a pogo stick and play in a minefield. Doors are dangerous, so you could try suicide by slamming a door into your head. OK, it’s not necessarily funny, but you could jazz it up a little. Do it in drag and holding a sign saying “people are strange” or something, I don’t know, what do I look like? the king of crazy suicides?

Whichever method you decide on make sure that you get it right. You don’t want to fuck it up. In fact, if you are suicidal you probably worry more about the embarrassment of fucking it up than the being dead part, which just goes to show how profoundly messed up society is.

I would like to finish up by pointing out that suicide is no laughing matter. If you laughed, giggled or even smiled a little during the above you are a bad, bad person. Shame on you. Subliminal message: now go fucking kill yourself.

Image courtesy of AZRainman