How to Survive as an Alcoholic on a Budget

So maybe you’re reading this and it’s 10am, you’re crawling out of bed and wondering whether to keep the same clothes on or change. Sooner or later you have to face that question all of us have to ask from time to time… what am I going to have to drink for breakfast?

Now choosing a breakfast beverage is tricky, you don’t want to start too quickly with vodka on the cornflakes, and Guinness with a fry-up can be a bit heavy going. You have to balance these things. Liqueurs are a good start, something perhaps a little sweeter than you would drink in the evening. If you so desire, you can mix with orange juice for a healthy start to the day.

At some point, you are going to face the consequences of perpetual drinking and the main one is obviously how you are going to afford your next drink. There comes a choice in every person’s life as to whether to drink or eat. So many people make the wrong decision. There are always cheap sources of food and beer.

Have a party at your own house.

Ensure that people bring their own alcohol. I used to have a friend who would turn up without a bottle. Strangely, they seem to miss out on invites to parties recently (although that’s not stopped them inviting themselves anyway on occasion). Note who brings more than they drink and continue to invite them.

Get people used to the idea there will be plenty of snackables at the party. Cheap snackables are fine; everyone will be too drunk to care. Save the bottles of expensive vodkas and then when you throw another party just fill it up with cheap vodka as a float for the party. Again, people will be too drunk to notice the difference.

Red Wine

Sit back and relax whilst enjoying a glass of a fine red wine.

Crash other people’s parties

This is ideal because you can turn up with some leftovers from your previous house party. If you don’t know the hosts you can drink far more than you turned up with. A good house party always has a float of alcohol to start things off; it is your responsibility to drink that float.

Art is beautiful.

Art galleries are great places, filled with rich, pretty people, and, if you get your timing right, free wine. It’s almost always wine. They never share the beers, or spirits. You get to appreciate pretty paintings, pontificate and pretend that you are moved by whatever puzzling piece is meant to represent addiction, love or whatever it was meant to represent. If you’re lucky then you might also be able to help yourself to snackables.

Always carry a flask. At free alcohol locations you can sneakily fill the flask. You can then use it in pubs and clubs to save on buying beverages at extortionate prices. Subtlety is the key here.

So now the alcohol is in your possession, what should you be doing with it? The answer is simply to drink it quickly. The faster you drink the quicker you can get more than your fair share unnoticed.

It is important not to always drink alone. Down that path depression lies, and that’s going to limit your chances of getting invited to parties which shall, in turn, impact on your methods of obtaining cheap and free booze.

Other drunks make good drinking buddies, in particular the lonely drunks. They’ll pay for your company in beer. OK, so maybe it is a little like whoring yourself out for beer. But, hey, it’s beer. Besides if anyone really wants your company and your opinion (and when you are drunk they shall be stuck with both) then obviously it should come at a premium. You don’t need to bribe others with alcohol for company for two reason: one being you already have a collection of lonely drunkard friends, the other being that conversation cuts into drinking time.

When others are buying always ensure the toasts are flowing. Memorise a hundred toasts so that everyone is continually drinking, requiring more drinking. My favourites include “To your fucks” and “We’ll never meet this young again”.

As the evening wears on you may be able to scavenge more drinks from the unsuspecting fools who leave glasses unguarded. If you are concerned about germs then carry your own empty glass with you and just pour from one into the other, thus building up a dirty pint of something that most human beings would be ashamed to touch. If people see you do it then at least you can rest easily, safe in the knowledge they’re never going to try to steal your pint. Although chances are, someone, somewhere, out there in the depths of the gutter is someone willing to drink even the dregs of your dirty pint. When you recognise that kindred spirit then smile and buy me a pint.

And as the bars close and you stumble home, remember that as a new day loudly pierces your head that you should get up as early as possible, skip a solid breakfast and start again. Being tired and hungry will help the morning’s alcohol slip into your system more easily. That and you can’t really afford to pay for breakfast, lunch and dinner anyway. Thus starts another day.