Why Earache is Worse Than a Broken Heart

Few things hurt more than a broken heart; earache is one of them.

Earache is the worst pain you can have, followed shortly by toothache. Even masochists hate earache.

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You don't have to recover from a broken heart if you never fall in love. You'll probably still get earache no matter what you do.

A broken heart is far more fixable. You can drown a broken heart in a pub. Going to a pub with earache is hell. Everything is loud and all you really want to do is stick a knife in your ear. Sticking a knife in your ear is not one of the recognised solutions for earache.

Broken hearts really aren’t that bad. Once you realise that your relationship was ultimately doomed to failure then you can accept that your life is moving in the direction that it was meant to travel. Downwards.

Rejection isn’t that bad. There are billions of people out there; even if the one you want is one in a million, there are still thousands of them about. One day you will find that super-special person for you.

Even Hitler got married. If Hitler can get laid, so can you. You are probably a million times better person than Hitler was. Is invading Poland listed as one of your hobbies? If the answer is no then you’re already doing better than Hitler was. Hitler never died of a broken heart. Wikipedia claims that he committed suicide by ingesting poison. It fails to mention the historically recognised fact that this was because he could no longer stand the pain of having earache – presumably from his mistress nagging about when they were finally going to get married.

Scientific research has proven that social rejection can cause physical pain. Having your still-beating heart ripped out and crushed in front of your lost, lonely eyes is not the most pleasant experience. The feeling that someone has poured molten lava down your ear hole and followed it up with a small thermonuclear device is even less pleasurable.

That dull ache in your heart may last longer than earache, but the earache is more memorable. There are healthy defences against a broken heart. You can build up towering walls around yourself, you can isolate yourself, hide your emotions, get drunk and visit strip clubs. You can distance yourself from the other person involved; you cannot distance yourself from your ear (unless you are a big fan of Vincent van Gogh). When it comes to earache there is no defence, you shall suffer, all attempts to alter this will be rendered futile.

Why does earache hurt so bad? It’s because your ear is fucking things up right next to four cranial nerves and two spinal segments. That’s a shitload of pain waiting to be unleashed.

Why does your broken heart hurt so much? It’s because you suddenly realise that not everyone understands how truly awesome you are. That hurts. I mean, I know I’m fucking amazing, I’m pretty sure if you are reading this then you are too. But there are some pretty stupid people out there and they probably don’t quite understand these facts. Unfortunately rather than accept that our undeniable excellence has just been denied our bodies go into meltdown unable to comprehend the fact that someone out there does not feel our awesomeness.

Denied awesomeness may hurt. It hurts more than say, being hit by large van. Even on our path towards the middling, on that hunt for mediocrity we still know, deep down, that when we want to, we can switch the fan-fucking-tastic switch back on. But a broken heart does not hurt as much as having every nerve entering your brain being set on fire every time you hear your own breath. Earache is a bitch.

Broken hearts mend. Earache subsides. One day you will enter a deep philosophical debate about which is worse. At the end of the day, you may be alone. It may be that you will always be alone, perhaps destined to Just Be Friends for all eternity, but fuck it, man up, make your heart unbreakable and go find someone else. It could be worse; you could have earache.

Image courtesy of ilovememphis