So, it’s raining here and a lot of people are moping about being single for Christmas. Those that aren’t are obliviously merrying along paying no heed to the fact that their relationship is, on the balance of probabilities, likely to come to an abrupt end in the new year anyway.
Being single at a major event is miserable. Take fireworks for example? Have you ever watched fireworks on your own? Sure it was fine when you were a child, because girls had germs, but now? Now it is a miserable experience.
Fireworks were designed to be watched by couples and children, or at the very least very trendy groups of teenagers brandishing alcohol. The only reason to go near fireworks when you are single is to set them off (fire is good whether you are single or not).
Now whereas most annual events serve as a reminder that you are getting older and less attractive, being single at Christmas is awesome. Let me explain in that rambling way that at least one sole soul has missed over the previous months.
Right now I could be curled up, eating pizza, watching a film with a beautiful lady cuddled up to me. Instead I am curled up, eating pizza, watching a film whilst tinkering with my shiny new laptop. That’s right, I have a new laptop, how cool is that? Using advanced accountancy skills, I have calculated that the laptop overall has cost me nothing. It eats less pizza and does not require me to purchase it a Christmas present. In fact, the laptop was purchased with the total sum of monies that I had squirreled away for a Christmas present for the beautiful lady who would have otherwise been cuddled up to me had the month of April failed to occur.
Now, given that the best presents always involve varying degrees of convolution, deceit and trickery, Christmas is obviously a stressful time for those who possess people of a romantic entanglement. Being single, on the other hand, possesses no such pitfalls; I know exactly what I want for Christmas. And even the suggestion that getting laid is out of question is, in itself, inadequate. Had I not gone for an SSD in the laptop there would have been adequate funding for such endeavours.
It’s not just about the presents. Christmas is about other things too, take goodwill for example. Bah humbag to that. When you’re single you don’t have to possess such things. You can instead sit in front of your shiny new laptop and seethe quietly. Goodwill to others, once a year, so that people forget you’re an asshat the rest of the year – fuck that. You can throw forgiveness in there too, but that’s a whole other rant. Christmas is the one opportunity you have to be outwardly misanthropic and hostile, but only legitimately so when you are single.
So there we have it, when you are single you get to be a curmudgeonly son of a bitch and reward yourself for it by buying yourself a present. Why would you want to let anyone else get in the way of that?
Still, in some ways I have missed the convolution, deceit and trickery.
Image courtesy of Callum McKain