Jesus thinks you’re a jerk

I’m just kidding. Jesus doesn’t really think you’re a jerk; he doesn’t exist. If he did, he probably would though. I’m sorry, it’s not you it’s him, or at least what his fans think he would be like, but when people tell me “what would Jesus do?” I can’t help but think that he’d do the same as me – run away from the crazies as soon as possible. Actually, now that I think about it, it is you. Sorry.

Jesus getting his nails done

This made me laugh more than it probably should have done

I recently had numerous encounters with a Jesus Freak™. If I was her I would have classed it as very distressing [in-joke]. I didn’t class it as very distressing; I just thought she was a pain in the ass, and not the good kind.

Anyway, my encounters were of a non-sexual nature, partly because she was pretty enough not to be interested in me, partly because she was married, and partly because I thought that sex with her would be more boring than an evening watching dry paint sit there not even drying. It would, in fact, be precisely as exciting as being stuck on a replacement bus service between Birmingham New Street and Cambridge, which would at least have the benefit of being the less sickening ride.

So yeah, my new favourite Jesus Freak™ was not one of my favourite people. She was one of those people who sucks up to everyone who is senior to them and disregards her fellow minions. This didn’t work so well over here, as the people I work with tend to recognise a useless twat from approximately twelve paces. Thankfully she quit after six months, but not before taking advantage of training courses and long lunches and abusing her ability to get other people correct her numerous mistakes.

Is it just me, or are people who go to church more evil than us normal folk? Their pretence of virtue is even worse than the smugness that vegans and Apple fans have. They go to church and pray to an invisible guy in the sky, which guarantees them a place in heaven. If they go to church then they must be good people, right? If they’re good people then they’re allowed to behave like cunts to the heretics and infidels.

Now I know heretics and infidels can be assholes too. It’s just we’re less likely to go to church and pretend that we’re good people. Some of us know we’re assholes and that’s ok, as long as you’re not being hypocritical about it.

So yeah, Jesus probably thinks I’m a jerk. If you find this amusing he probably thinks you’re a jerk too. The most satisfying thing though, is if you’re a Jesus Freak™, he probably hates you most.


(Image liberally stolen from this person’s tumblr – )