Hire Me

That’s right, I’m now available for hire, to the highest bidder, for… erm… reasons.

In every capacity you can be sure of my usual stellar and punctual service, with previous clients describing me as “sarcastic”, “awkward”, “an asshole”, and my personal favourite “weirdly amusing in that social train wreck kind of way”.

Anyway, you can now:

Hire me to…  TALK

That’s right, you can pay me to turn up to wherever it is and awkwardly rant about random crap. I can talk crap in a variety of different situations, it’s a speciality of mine. Examples of suitable locations include medium sized venues, small venues, pubs, cafes, or even somewhere more intimate, like a tent.

I’m also a certified minister, so if you want I can preside over your wedding ceremony, because that would go well.

Please note, I am actually terrified of public speaking, so don’t contact me.

Hire me to…  COACH

Ever noticed how most life coaches are women or slightly effeminate men? Well now you can be coach by a manly man, who does manly things, or at least by me.

We can talk about all sorts of whatever that may be bothering you; feel free to moan to me about whatever. I’ll give my 2p straight down the line, and tell you how I’d screw that situation up even further. I might not actually be any help, I might not even make you laugh, but hell, it’s better than being told to drink green tea, balance your chakras and think positively because “everything happens for a reason”.

Please note, I am not actually qualified to give any coaching. I did neither an arts nor a social science degree.

VIP Kick Launch Program Deluxe

The Self Help For Happy People starter coaching course, to help you bring yourself to an underwhelming level of mediocrity that you never suspected laid procrastinating inside you.

Now only £555 ! (cause that’s a bargain)

You get not one, not two, but five whole hour long Skype chats where I point out how you are shafting your own life. That’s not all, here’s the whole list, or at least a list.

  • At least 5 x 1 hour long Skype coaching sessions
  • Free e-mail access to my brain.
  • A range of highly sarcastic coaching tools designed to kick your ass into the right direction
  • Homework and feedback, if you’re lucky I might even mark your homework.
  • Other stuff

What are you waiting for? contact me now for your crazy coaching sessions!


Coaching Options




VIP Stratosphere Program Deluxe Pro.

The Self Help For Happy People super gold-star coaching course, this one has been really well thought out, and there’s like a plan of action and everything. It’s totally legit, honest.

Now only £5555 ! (what a motherflipping bargain!)

Reduced to £5500 ! (Still a motherflipping bargain!)

  • Between 6 months and a year of coaching (depending on how needy you are)
  • At least 25 1 x hour long Skype coaching sessions
  • Free e-mail access to my brain.
  • A range of highly sarcastic coaching tools designed to kick your ass into the right direction
  • Homework and feedback (that I promise to read on occasion)
  • After almost every session I will badger you about something that we discussed, and tell you how awesome you really are, or something.
  • I’ll write you a poem.
  • Other stuff.

Bonus Stuff: At the end of the course, provided we don’t hate each other by that point, the option of meeting at a mutually suitable location and getting pissed is one that may or may not exist. Perhaps.

There we have it, go on pay me to do something, you know you want to.


Coaching Options